A.K.A. What I Learned in High School

Subject: A.K.A. What I Learned in High School Thu Dec 23, 2010 9:26 pm

Brutus –hearts- Cassius
A.K.A. What I Learned in Sophomore English
By: Bec (HopeNight)
THIS
FOLLOWING ESSAY CONTAINS SOME FOUL LANGUAGE!!! Not a lot but still kids
don't repeat this in front of your parents or polite company!

Currently in English class, we are engaged in the play known as Julius Caesar by
Sir William Shakespeare. As per the class we read and discuss the
relationships between the characters. Mainly we read aloud some scenes
some of which I find quite interesting, others I would rather perform a
root canal on myself then read. Anyway I have defined the character of
Caius Cassius of a cold, heartless son-of-a-bitch that I would much
rather beat up; then, like Marcus Brutus, fall to his delicate
manipulations. Brutus is seemingly portrayed as an idyllic fool, who is
constantly described as honorable.
Of course one,
such as me, does grow bored with this constant classification. So when
one grows bored with the average English II class. One must find some
sort of interesting way to amuse and occupy her slightly warped,
twisted, semi-demented, and/or perverted mind. This I have done with
these following statements. Brutus loves Cassius. Cassius knows this and
uses Brutus as his bitch. Said bitch using is for the betterment of the
plot for the conspiracy, which Cassius says is for Rome. Of course we
all know that Cassius is a son-of-a-bitch that I would rather pimp slap
then follow him. Cassius uses his bitch, Brutus, for his own selfish
reasons as well as other responsibilities. This is what my mind goes
through during a reading of Shakespeare’s work of Julius Caesar.

During these tortuous years known as High School, we are forced to read a
lot of books. The most popular author among High School teachers is
Shakespeare and other classic authors. Of course through a few years of
reading said classics. One does notice a pattern. Said classic authors
have some type of problem whether it is a drug addiction, alcoholism,
strange sex fetishes, or marrying a relative such as a cousin.

Through this knowledge that all classic authors have
SOMETHING wrong with them, I have drawn a rather simple conclusion. This
is that Shakespeare was on one hell of a fun drug. Of course this was
reached after reading The Tempest, great play by the way, and reading
the character Ariel. Just trust me Shakespeare had to be on something to
create Ariel. But this is just one example of a lesson that I have
learned from Sophomore English. I have compiled a list of the top ten
things that Sophomore English has taught me. The list is as follows:

1) As per the story Oedipus Rex teaches us. INCEST IS NOT GOOD!!!! PERIOD!!!!

2) The Tempest teaches
us this: Do not try to drown your enemies. For all you know they may
end up on some kind of crazy magical island plotting their revenge. On a
complete and utter side note, this play led me to believe that
Shakespeare was utterly stoned. (I feel this is worth repeating. A good
book to look at for those who agree with me is My Name is Will: A Tale of Sex, Drugs, and Shakespeare)

3)
Always have some good reading material or good distraction from class
if placed in the back of the classroom. For the poor schmucks up front I
offer this advice: Perfect the stare that makes you appear alive, but
you’re just dead behind the eyes. This is also a good time for
imagination (please insert your own rainbows, unicorns, or mayhem,
madness, gore...whatever catches your fancy).

4) English
textbooks make an intimidating and rather threatening weapon, especially
when over 1000 pages. If possible try to keep one on hand for when
people act like idiots. As a side note make sure to have an excellent
attorney on call as the act of hitting the textbooks over said idiots
heads will get you sued or prosecuted for varying crimes.

5) Research Papers = Hell. Enough said.

6) One Title: The Garden of the Forking Paths..
Ten out of Ten people who read it agree with this one question: Now
What was it that about again? (Now the guy who wrote THAT was definitely
on something because you need to be stoned to get it.)

7) Lord of the Flies is
probably the reason some people are scared from having children…or
reading for a long LONG time. So Thank You William Golding…you bastard.

8
) Always have an escape plan on hand for daydreaming purposes. Also
fun are those ‘kill the teacher’ fantasies. Just make sure that you do
not mutter under your breath during class as this will earn you some
HIGHLY strange looks. (My teacher was so monotonous that it was like a
train wreck. You just couldn't look away.)

9) If your teacher is picking out aliases for an essay... Give up all hope. They're all gonna be lame as hell.

10) Summer is hell. Something I liken to getting my teeth pulled without Novocain. However reading the book Don Quixote is
often likened to having brain surgery without an anesthetic. The
musical for the book is good but the book is...no polite or rude term
describes it.

As you can see, reader of this strange paper is
that I have learned a lot from the hallowed halls of my education
institution. This is just one of classes I have taken at my school. I
have decided to go tell you what each of them taught me this year:
sophomore year, a ridiculous hard year

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